


The Brightness of the Afternoon

by TeaRoses



Category: Hellsing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-22
Updated: 2010-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-07 11:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/64776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaRoses/pseuds/TeaRoses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a psychologically harrowing battle, Seras speaks with Walter about her present and her future.  Gonzoverse.  A sequel of sorts to Bei Mir Bist Du Schön.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Brightness of the Afternoon

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my beta, dasAoD, and also to Sad WTF.

Seras tried to treat the ghouls like a shooting gallery. Get one in the head, reload, get the next in the chest. They were so slow, anyway, it was no problem. But now and then anybody might remember that until recently they were people. That this body with a giant hole in it woke up this morning and took a bath and said good-bye to his wife and went to work. But it was best to make it target practice and forget about it.

There was always the other route of course. To give in completely and destroy them not out of mercy but because they were another vampire's ghouls. That worked even better and she could get into it with her bare hands just like her master. But it was teetering on the edge of the abyss, of course. It was a short step from there to wanting her own ghoul army, a few vampire servants, and a mind without a bothersome conscience. Like Alucard, she would only be waiting until the end of Hellsing and its seal would make it a reality.

Tonight had been just too damn long. She had been up since the early evening, as soon as the harsh summer sun had faded enough to let her outside without wrapping up and wearing dark glasses. Integra had instructed her on the purpose of the mission until she wanted to scream. Seras had hoped that when the number of chipped FREAKS had been reduced there might be less urgency, but it seemed there was always a new threat, this time a vampire who had deliberately set up near one of Hellsing's secondary offices miles from London.

Then there was a long ride over in the truck with the troops, with all of them staring at her and sitting as far away as they could possibly get. She hadn't even been grinning to annoy them as she sometimes did. But they still whispered behind her back, as if everyone didn't know what she was by now.

Finally the ghouls were gone and only the vampire was left to be destroyed. Alucard wished to leave this one up to her, so Seras burst through the final door.

Facing her was a dark-haired child. He looked about six years old, and was staring placidly up at Seras. He was too aware to be a ghoul, and Seras was about to lower the Harkonnen when she realized his eyes were as red as hers.

"Nice gun, big sister," the boy said. He gave her a fanged grin.

"He's not cute," Seras thought to herself. "And he's not a little boy." She remained ready to fire.

She could see that he held a knife as large as a cleaver.

"What do you lot at Hellsing have against me?" He lowered his head and blinked at her through his long eyelashes.

Seras could recall most of her master's speech about pathetic upstarts but was too tired to give it. She still had so much internal disgust at the idea of killing this young being, despite everything she now knew of vampires and the world.

"That's a throwing knife. Don't be stupid," she thought to herself, and fired. She closed her eyes for the briefest instant, then viewed her handiwork: a small child with not much left of his lower body. The eyes were still moving, though. She told herself that it wasn't a pleading look. She shot him in the head then, and lowered the gun and headed back out the door.

Her master was waiting outside for her, his arms crossed over his chest.

"What took you so long?" he asked brusquely.

Seras shrugged. "Nothing, it's over. The vampire's destroyed."

Alucard nodded.

Her legs were weak now. She sat down on the floor with her back in a corner and wrapped her arms around her knees. She told herself that soon she wouldn't even remember that fact and those eyes. They were red eyes anyway, weren't they? But then again, so were hers... This was too much to think about. She wanted to go back to Hellsing manor and forget this. No, she wanted to go back much further than that and forget everything.

Alucard put a hand on her shoulder then. "You're not well, police girl. Brace up."

Seras nodded, and looked up to see Integra.

"What's going on?" was the young leader's first question.

"Nothing," said Seras firmly. "The vampire's dead, and I want to leave now."

"That vampire was too young. We're going to have to investigate here; it will be a while before the troops can leave."

Seras looked up at her curiously. "You saw the body? You can look at that?"

Integra nodded brusquely. "I can look at what I need to. But it seems you can't, even now."

Seras stood up. "Stop overanalyzing. I'm fine."

But she still felt she needed to lean against the wall, and both her masters noticed.

"She can rest in the office until we're done, it's just around the corner," Integra finally said. "Alucard, take her over there and wait with her."

The vampire shook his head. "I thought you needed me to look at that body and see if I can tell how old the thing really was? It can't be a chipped one this time. But if you'd rather I baby-sit..."

Integra sighed. "Never mind, it will have to be Walter then."

Seras felt resentful to be passed around like a package. But if Walter minded, he would be too well-bred to show it, and in any case there was no use protesting. The butler came in the room and accepted a pair of keys from Sir Integra with a nod.

"I hope this is all right with you, Miss Seras?" he asked.

"Nice to see someone cares," she muttered. Then, louder, "I'm fine, Walter, but I might as well get out of here."

He nodded and opened the door for her, and they walked out into the night.

"It's just up here, around the corner."

They climbed a flight of stairs and opened the door.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked politely.

"No, as I said I'm fine." But she headed for the couch immediately to sit down.

Walter stood in front of her for a moment. "It's not for me to say, I'm sure, but if you are disturbed over that child, it's hardly something to be ashamed of."

"All I need is for Alucard or even Integra to catch me even bothering to think of it."

"They aren't here."

Seras nodded.

"Some of the chipped ones were pathetic. Then it was our own troops as ghouls. Now it's children. What's the limit on what I have to teach myself to enjoy? When do I get to finally break down?"

Walter opened his mouth to reply but she gestured at him. "I know, I couldn't ever do that, not even if I wanted to. It's not even a part of what I am anymore, to fail, or to wonder."

The butler shook his head. "It's not so simple, to give up one's humanity. Integra knows that. Alucard, somewhere deep in his memory, probably does too."

"And you understand what I'm saying as well."

Walter reached toward her, but dropped his hand. "I try to."

"I'm tired of being seen as a weapon."

Walter nodded. "I can relate to that. Believe it or not."

The young vampire stood up and moved across the room, finally standing in front of a mantelpiece facing the wall. "I can believe it. You're the faithful old retainer, and they keep you in reserve yet."

"But for me there will be an end to it, one way or the other."

"So you'll have some relief." Seras stopped. "That was wrong of me to say that."

She could hear him moving closer, and he spoke to her back.

"No, it's not wrong. Do you think I would trade places with you? Do you think, for that matter, that I never had the opportunity?"

She nodded, almost afraid to speak further. Finally she did.

"And you don't have to worry you'll ever be what he is. What I'll be. Bloodthirsty..." she trailed off, expecting him to interrupt, but he only waited.

"Very well, I'm that already. But I still see the humanity. The innocence, even. Not in that vampire back there, he was way too far gone. But I still can't look at a six-year-old who's taken two Harkonnen rounds and laugh."

"You never will."

"How would you know?"

"I've lived as long as anyone around Hellsing has managed to, and I've seen a great deal."

"Not many vampires."

"Not on our side, no."

"There's no such thing as a vampire on the good side. There's just Alucard, who serves the seal and his own vanity. And me, just waiting for the evil and emptiness to take over."

Seras felt a hand on her shoulder.

"It's still not something I see in you."

"Do you watch me so much?" Seras regretted saying it immediately. "Maybe it's just as well that someone does."

She heard him sigh then. "Shall I bother denying it? But that isn't my point at all. I'm telling you there is something in you that won't be denied or destroyed. That will always cry for that child."

"I can't cry for anything anymore, and that child was a monster. Just like Alucard, and me." Seras felt ready to cry despite her words.

"What you have Alucard never had. Not that anyone can prove that, after all these centuries, but I'm certain of it."

"What I have? What would that be? With everyone screaming at me that the one thing I don't have is a soul."

"That strikes me as a technicality under the circumstances. But I don't do that sort of theology anymore. My convictions on souls died in the war."

Seras continued to face away from him. "It's all slipping away, slowly. The memories of being human. The way real food tasted in my mouth. The brightness of the afternoon. It will all be gone soon."

Finally she turned to face him, noticing that his face showed an uncharacteristic tenderness.

"I'll be just another night creature, a no life king. What the chipped ones were after and never got. Am I the only one who doesn't want that title, who wants a life that isn't constant death and blood?"

Walter shook his head. "No, you're not. I did stay human, but I wish myself that things had been different. But that doesn't matter."

Seras looked at him curiously, and briefly covered the hand still resting on her shoulder with her own.

"What do you mean?"

"Who knows? I could have had a different life, a family of my own even like some of our soldiers go home to. Instead of just generations of Hellsings to serve."

"I can never have that either. Obviously."

Walter leaned in toward her almost imperceptibly. "I at least had many years to accustom myself to this, to realize that devotion to Hellsing was my only future. Not just a sudden decision made dying on a church floor."

She leaned forward and said almost into his shoulder, "And then there's knowing I have a potentially endless future as a pure thoughtless killer."

She felt him move as he removed his right glove and buried his hand in her hair. She put her arms around him and leaned against him.

Eventually he said softly. "You will be an angel of death such as I have never been and I only wish I could live to see it."

She stood as she was for a moment, with her face in his shirt, then looked up at him. His look was almost intense now. Slowly, he leaned down toward her. She did not pull away, and he kissed her.

She responded by pulling him closer, seeking the contact and thinking this might be her last chance at the sort of kiss she would ever want to remember. Then she heard the key in the door.

They pulled back from each other and she turned to see Integra in the doorway. She was staring at them with an intense curiosity. Eventually however she merely shrugged and walked into the room.

"I'm ready to go, you can both ride back in the car I suppose."

Walter nodded. "Very well, Sir Integra."

Alucard's voice was heard from outside then. Integra muttered something about complaints and walked outside again.

Walter replaced his glove and spoke. "Miss Seras, if I have presumed in any way..."

"Don't you dare apologize." She walked out to the waiting car, wondering whether this would ever be spoken of again, and listened for his footsteps as he followed.


End file.
